This morning (monday) God met me where I was. The last couple of weeks my heart had been so full of fear and anxiety that I did not even know what to pray. I was so afraid of losing Harmon during this morning’s surgery. I was super anxious about the anesthesia and the thought of something going wrong was so consuming. I had horrible images and thoughts attacking my mind. I asked the Lord to meet me where I was because my faith was weak. I cried myself to sleep multiple nights. Crying out to the Lord to not take Harmon from me. I did not want him to die. It wasn’t a cute cry by any means. It was raw because that’s where I was.
My faith was weak because as I reminded myself of His truth I still did not believe. I told myself to not be anxious about anything (Philippians 4:6), to give my anxiety over to Him because he cares for me (1 Peter 5:7), and that by worrying I would not change anything (Luke 12:25-31). I was so torn inside that my only cry was for the Lord to meet where I was and to be greater than my fear. And that is what happened today. God was with us every single step of the way. From providing a way to pay for the surgery to needing the least amount of medications to allowing Harmon to be his adventurous self after recovery.
Here are the details of his surgery.
Harmon had orchiopexy done this morning. One of his testicles did not descend into his scrotum. We noticed it when he was born. His pediatrician advised to monitor it for a year to see if with time it would move on his own to the right position. We prayed for it to descend naturally for a year but at one year check up his pediatrician referred us to an urologist. That was over the Summer. When they told me the cost of surgery I decided to push it back to the Fall once Harmon was insured.
As the Summer came to an end and his surgery got closer my heart grew anxious. I cannot tell you how many times I cried on Esteban’s shoulder because I did not want Harmon to have to go through the surgery, but I knew it was needed. I bawled. I was angry. I was scared.
The anesthesiologist called last night to go over my options. Basically, there were two options. One was highly medicated with morphine and sleeping gas and the other was essentially an epidural. The first option was stronger and would have taken him longer to wake up and recover. The epidural would be a much quicker recovery and he would wake up as soon as the surgery was over. The doctor also told us that he would more than likely have to give him medication to help him relax and go into the operation room without crying for mom, but that was not needed because Harmon was a champ! He passed the test three times! The doctor picked him up and took him around the corner and he remained completely cool. He said he was first patient ever to not need the medication. I think that was the Lord’s grace keeping me from seeing him not fully conscious because that would have killed me.
But God had everything under control from the beginning. Harmon woke up super early and was able to drink some apple juice before his 5:30am liquid cut off time. He was happy all morning. He played in the waiting area and high-fived all the doctors and nurses. His bravery and joy gave me strength to keep it together. As soon as he was taken into the operation room I began to cry. I knew he was going to be okay, but I had no idea how I was going to get through the hour and a half wait time. My family was there so we did our best to keep the conversation going to make time go faster.
About an hour and a half later the doctor came out and assured us that everything went as planned. We waited about 10 minutes as they woke him up so we could see him. He was groggy. We gave him some apple juice and he responded with “night night”. My sweet boy fell asleep and did not wake up for four hours. We changed him and made our way home and he remained asleep. When he woke up at home he wanted to walk, but his little legs were still numb so he kept falling. My heart hurt for my boy, but I have been amazed by his bravery. I mean after lunch he was running, climbing and playing like normal. Praise Jesus!
So, I actually fell asleep writing this post on Monday night and at 2:26am dropped my laptop. I do not know if the sound woke Harmon up or if he was bound to wake up. I am glad it all worked out the way it did because Harmon had a 103.5 fever! I picked him up and he was burning. I could feel the steam coming off his little body! He was not happy at all. His medicine had worn off and was probably in so much pain and dealing with a full on fever! I gave him Motrin and carried him for over an hour until he calmed down. He cried the entire time. In moments like these make a momma stronger than she thought she could be! But really though, I wanted to cry along with him! It killed me to see him like that! He eventually fell asleep.
That morning the surgeon responded to my message. We took Harmon to his pediatrician to rule out an ear or respiratory infection. He did not have either one and his incision looked great! After seeing his pediatrician we drove to see his surgeon who assured us that his fever was not surgery related- or at least not yet. Harmon was probably already dealing with a virus and it happened to show up right after his surgery. So to the say the least, these last two days have been full.
Lord knows I could not have walked through a second of this without my family. I am so blessed and thankful to have them. Harmon is so loved. Thank you all who have prayed for my boy and for the peace of my heart through this process. The Lord brought us to it and through it! Amen!
He was too stinkin cute in his hospital gown