Hello Darlings! When I look back to my first trimester I get stuck between a smile and the remembrance of the biggest heartache I’ve ever experience. If I could summarize my first trimester in one word I would say it was just Hard! It was emotionally hard, physically easy, spiritually sweet.
Emotionally the first twelve weeks of my pregnancy were extremely hard for many reasons. I found out I was pregnant and I did not want to be. It was a rollercoaster between knowing life is a gift from above and wanting to fully accept that gift. I knew I wanted children but I did not want them under these circumstances. Being a single mom was never part of the plan. I did not want to do it. The Lord used those first three months to grow me and daily remind me that He was in control and this situation was no surprise to Him. I began to pray for this sweet baby and began to read to him the Jesus Storybook Bible. Not because I thought he could hear my voice already but because I need to connect with him. I needed to learn to love this new journey and to appreciate the season of trial because a reward would await me months down the road and I did not want to look back at my pregnancy months, years down the road and be filled with sorrow.
I was about 10 weeks pregnant the day I was fired from job. After being escorted out of the building that day I got back into my car and began to weep. I felt so broken, hurt, abandon, and confused. I could not believe that I was pregnant and jobless. I remember crying out to the Lord like never before because I thought I had hit my rock bottom. All of the sudden my means to provide for this baby were taken away. I knew the Lord wanted me to fight for this new life but I felt like my ways of doing so were gone. I was so disappointed with the way a christian organization had handled the situation. It made me sick and it made my heart hurt for my Jesus. Nonetheless it started a fire within me to speak up on this issue (there is more to come on this topic soon). The day after losing my job was bittersweet. I woke up and had nowhere to go but that’s just it I WOKE UP! I was alive and well with a sweet baby growing inside of me. The worst thing that I thought could happen was behind me and I had made it out alive. That day was the day that I learned to fight, to be strong, and trust Jesus through this muddy season because He was proven faithful. I knew I was up against a giant but I also had the Rock of my salvation on my side. I had this strange sense of confidence that everything was going to be okay.
Physically I felt great! Thank you Jesus!! I was never got morning sickness, I did not have extreme nausea, no cravings, I had the same amount of energy as usual and I was able to keep my same eating habits and exercise routine. I worked really hard and consistent during my first trimester. In part because I thought I could cause a miscarriage. I seriously dealt with wanting this baby and because I wanted to keep my “normal” for as long as I could. I was able to to complete a half marathon at the end of my first trimester and that was huge for me. It painted a picture of victory. Coming across that finish line gave me hope for the finish line that was to come months down the road. Then I would not get a medal but instead get to hold a sweet baby that was forever mine.
Spiritually my first trimester was intense! In the midst of my brokenness God was so big. We were in constant communication because I needed Him more than ever to survive, to find hope and courage to carry on. I was scared to death of what was to come and in His kindness He spoke to me like never before. I learned what it meant to allow Him to carry my burdens and what it looked like to kill my pride and accept help from others. I was empowered by His word like never before, I learned to trust Him in the midst of confusion and most importantly I felt Him hold my hands. He provided my a way only He could. God truly made things so muddy and confusing so that His glory could shine through and be the only explanation.
Although, my first trimester was extremely hard and I hope to never have to go through something like that again I am grateful for the season. I have heard God’s voice, seen His hands and that is worth the battle. Being strong and courageous is far from being easy but when your eyes are set on eternity it makes the trails of this world look not so big!